I knew that it was not normal, but thought that within the parameters of weekly poisoning, it was not terrible. But once I was connected to the Matrix yesterday, and the doctor heard that I bleed every time I go to the toilet, he wanted to suspend my chemo again. They ran blood tests, and I was hitting the lower end of all permissible ranges--but still barely within range.
The doctor ordered a whole additional set of studies and I was put back on antibiotics--twice as many as one week ago.
I am confused and scared. If this is the result of one single poison drip after my week off, how will I make it through the eight that are left? And if I need more weeks off? Will this extend for much longer than originally envisioned?
I know that I should be grateful because I am not dying of this disease, and thus whatever I need to do opens a positive perspective into the future. But I am tired, and keeping a fragile equilibrium between a high spirit and going insane of isolation, multiple small pains, constant discomfort and relentless inactivity.
I don't wan to spend a whole year feeling sick and weak and tired. I feel sad and beaten up.
Oh, my sweet dear Helena. I'm sorry you feel so awful. Really, with the bleeding? Good grief. It makes sense that you would feel beaten up because that is what this process is doing to your body. I am sorry it makes you sad too. Try to remember that even if this lasts a long time, it is not forever. I know that does nothing to help you for now. But your body is telling you it needs another break, and it's fighting very hard, so we should probably listen and do what it says. I love you!!! Big hugs and sunshiney energy to you.
ReplyDeletedear sweet and strong helena i am sending you love and kisses from illinois. laura (from nm)
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